Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Blew my mind.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!