Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.