Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Too easy.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…