Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Yeah. This was me today.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).