Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.