Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Science memes

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

It has been 3 years since Monday.

*swipes right on my hand mirror

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters