[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰