Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.