Me in tagged photos
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The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
*frowns in Scottish*
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.