Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.