Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

Overindulged this afternoon.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.