Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
he was correct
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me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I could NOT have put it better myself.
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant