me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.