Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
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I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Important reminders
