Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
This could be us, but you weedin’.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.