Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?