Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
How it started: How it’s going:
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on