Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.