Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
You Might Also Like
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.