Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.