Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
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My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology