Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back