Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

My brain is a bad influence on me

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.