Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend