me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.