Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stand with me against insufficient seating

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Ok but actually

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away