*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
making sure he doesnt get away
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.