You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
You Might Also Like
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.