me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
