Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

his wife is probably gonna see that

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.