Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

My time has come.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house