Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Seas the day!!!!
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Guy who likes music
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*