Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.