ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.