Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating is so overrated. let’s just get married

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Childbirth is so beautiful

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.