Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

The Punning Dead.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!