ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
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I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.