Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Steam Forums
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”