Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

That’s not how days work.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.