Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh