Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree