me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I put the h in mysterious.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse