me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
You Might Also Like
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’ve been learning to cook.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box