me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
But is it really??
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool