me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Tremendous stuff
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit