Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.