me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.