Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

23. the denim jacket

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.