Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff