me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.