Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

At ease

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.