Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

😂🐈‍⬛

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place