Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.