Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…