Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]