Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.