ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me