ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
whatcha thinkin bout
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Very problematic
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?