ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all