ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days