ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
#dalle2
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.