ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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then why did i get this email
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.