Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Banderslack Clamberdorch

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”