Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Breaking news:

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?