ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
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[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead