ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
😂🐈⬛
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.