Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Breaking news:

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt