Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.