Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

three things we don’t talk about

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party