Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom