Me irl
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Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.