me irl
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[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor